 |
|||||||
|  |
 |
 |
 |
 |
||
DECEMBER 07 ARCHIVES 4:45 PM 12/2/2007back from florida...i'm actually flying over the gulf of mexico right now. if for some awful reason my plane goes down, i hope you guys remember to play 2pac at my funeral. "Life goes On," "California Love" or "Thug Mansion" would probably be appropriate and (somewhat) clean songs to pick. while it would be awesome if somebody had the nerve to bump "Hit 'Em Up" at my memorial service, i'm willing to bet that it would probably traumatize my family for life. "THAT'S WHY I F***** YOUR B****, YOU FAT MOTHER******!" anyways, i had a great trip, despite the humidity and heat. i am NOT a fan of florida weather. flew into miami last friday night and checked into the mandarin oriental at biscayne bay. it was beyond spectacular. saw south beach (and the steps where versace was shot and killed), got a $200 massage at the resort's world-class spa, walked around coconut grove, and then drove down to key west. the drive itself sucked, but the scenery was gorgeous. we got upgraded to an awesome room with a view of the water so i worked a little bit from my balcony and then got to play the rest of the time. we rented a jet ski and i was "accidentally" dumped into the ocean twice, thanks to a certain somebody's tendencies to make sharp turns at 30mph. fyi, pulling yourself back onto a jet ski is not an easy feat while bobbing around in the waves and spitting out salt water. i also ate my first slice of key lime pie, and dude, it's really, really good. my major complaint about key west is that it's not very cheap and caters to a lot of drunk, trashy people. my tall mocha at starbucks cost me a whoppin' $4.86 (!!!!) - more than a pair of panties being sold at every other store on duval street with "IT AIN'T GONNA LICK ITSELF" printed on the front. super classy. flew up to orlando for EY's new manager training and spent the rest of the week at the caribe royale, which turned out to be one of the crappiest places i've ever stayed at for work (with the exception of the quality inn in sacramento). the internet didn't even work, which really screwed over all the EY employees there. apparently the hotel wasn't used to 1,300 people trying to log online at once, which was pretty dumb because hello, we're accountants, we have nothing better to do but work at night when we're not in class. i had to use my blackberry and it took me over 45 minutes to download 84 work emails the first night i checked in. the bedding sucked, the water smelled like sulfur, and the fluorescent lighting gave me a headache. going from the five-star mandarin oriental to the Dumpiest Dump in Florida was, as hans' roommate tolu once eloquently stated during his move from sunset to reiber, "just like goin' from beverly hills to compton, man!" we had some cool events though, including a casino night (i doubled down on a $10K hand while the dealer was showing a 4 and ended up with 13. the dealer, of course, ended up hitting three more times to get 21. it was just like vegas. only this time when i almost fell off my chair in shock, the dealer felt bad and let me keep my fake money). EY also bussed us over to universal studios thursday night, where we had a private party in a section of the park and got to go on some of the rides. they even managed to get the EY logo to flash on the wall inside the mummy ride (cheesy, but kinda cool). um, i'm really glad my firm is willing to spend a quarter million on food, booze and entertainment and yet refuses to reimburse me for more than $18/person on an overtime meal. apparently somebody on the EY's expense auditing team really, really hates me. once training was over, we moved onto shades of green, which was really pretty. went to the magic kingdom, which is literally a carbon copy of disneyland (but minus the indiana jones ride and the awesome revamp of space mountain). i forgot who told me this a while ago, but i'll pass it along here: amusement parks are really the greatest advertisement for birth control and/or abstinence. think you want kids? stand in line for splash mountain for two hours while surrounded by crying, screaming brats and THINK AGAIN. i had fun though, seeing the familiar sights and eating every piece of overpriced junk food in sight. all right, well i'm back at work tomorrow (yay) so i am gonna end this update now and focus on some of my projects that i neglected this past week. have a great week, everybody!  room at the mandarin oriental - check out the gigantic window between the sleeping area and the bathroom.  checking out a random rooster at a gas station in key west. this place is like, a haven for chickens.  MORE CHICKENS! btw, i discovered on this trip that roosters will crow all throughout the day. and late at night. weird.  view of water on the drive back to miami. please disregard the ugly distortion from my broken camera in the upper left hand quadrant.  the marquee at universal studios.  some ducks at shades of green - they waddled over to see if i would feed them. i had nothing on me so i was rewarded with some really loud, angry quacking. 8:18 PM 12/8/2007 well, here i go again. leaving tomorrow for the windy city. instead of the heat and humidity of the sunshine state i'll be dealing with freakin' blizzard conditions. great. time to dig out my winter clothes. wait...do i even have winter clothes? woe is me. speaking of the sunshine state, did you know that the thunder mountain ride is based on disney's 1946 movie song of the south? and did you know that song of the south is based on the uncle remus series of stories published in 1881? and did you know that the uncle remus stories, featuring br'er rabbit, br'er bear, br'er fox, and tar baby were a series of fables that were written in a deep south slave dialect? and did you also know that disney won't release song of the south on video in the u.s because it's considered too racially insensitive for modern audiences? you didn't? i thought everyone knew that.  now that you know more useless trivia, duty calls me to capone's old stomping grounds. i recall with some quiet satisfaction that it was an accountant who grabbed the mobster of all mobsters by the back of his collar and dragged the scar-faced little killer out of the shadows of evil and into the harsh cold light of justice. tax evasion is no joke, as mister capone discovered while rotting away in alcatraz, dying of syphilis. but i digress. with determination in my heart and a calculator in my new ferragamo bag i will board my plane on the morrow, destination: shytown. the windy city. the city of big shoulders, meat packer to the world, that toddlin' town. a place of danger and despair. barely have i settled into a post sunshine state routine than i am dispatched back to the midwest on a meeting of some import. roused from my happy home, from the warmth of the loving embrace of friends and family, i journey to chicago. why, you ask? orders, i reply. operational security forbids me from saying more, but rest assured i shall fulfill my sworn task with the utmost of dedication. in these uncertain times, who among us could pledge less than their all for the u.s. of a? and that's what im doing...giving my all. 110% of heart and soul. blood sweat and tears. no retreat, no surrender. this i swear. fondly i recall the days before the madness, before the bad times, the all or nothing times, days when a business trip was just that, but now, now, business as usual is anything but, and an innocent three day trip to chicago turns into something else, something darker, a voyage, a journey, a vision quest filled with danger and peril and hardship. no pleasure cruise, this. no, my friends, i say to you that i do not exaggerate when i confide that much hangs in the balance. much. you might ask yourself why, connie, why do you subject yourself to this, why is so much asked of you, you weary soldier of numbers, you brave and humble guardian of all that is good and right in this crazy mixed up world, why do you, with grim determination, shoulder your burden when so many would say no more, let this cup pass from my lips, for i have ventured far and fought hard and now it is the turn of another, i have done my share. but no, not you, not connie, you carry on, you ask not for respite or recognition, you march to the sounds of the guns and do not flinch, do not look back. why, fair connie? why? and if you ask that, if you posed to me those questions, i would look at you with the small smile one reserves for small children and imbeciles, and i would place a gentle hand upon your shoulder, and i would say to you this: it's because nobody else is dumb enough to do it. there are worse codes to live by. and so i do not falter or ask for relief. i simply do what must be done. because nobody else is dumb enough to do it. oh yeah, if anyone wants to buy me a private jet for christmas to save me from the horrors of flying coach, i wouldn't say no. have fun, kids. 9:11 PM 12/15/2007 hi. i'm back from chicago. it was, to put it succintly, butt-cold. btw, thanks to all zero of you who realized that the last update on 12/8 wasn't written by me at all. i thought it was pretty obvious but apparently you all think i'm capable of spewing out stuff like "no retreat, no surrender. this i swear." my first flight into o'hare was cancelled and the second one was delayed by a few hours, so i was in a supremely foul mood by the time i checked into the hyatt close to midnight on sunday. i had classes from monday through wednesday, and they were all pretty good, although i had serious trouble staying awake in some of the sessions. i blame it on the 2 hour time difference. that, and my horrible tendency to develop immediate narcolepsy anytime somebody starts lecturing. at least in college i could sleep somewhat anonymously - back then, i didn't have to wear a giantic name tag displaying my name and office location in size 300 font. EY gave all of us an official ernst & young pen/flashlight/laser pointer and i spent a good thirty minutes zapping random people with the laser pointer during class. it was hilarious - they would look down to see a bright red spot on their hand, then whip around to see who was responsible, and i'd either discreetly drop the pen or pretend to take notes on the presentation. i don't think anybody ever suspected it was me. the funny thing was that nobody else was tempted to join in, mostly due to the fact that installing the three batteries into the pen was a fairly complicated process and i was the only person lame enough to spend 20 minutes figuring it out. hey, just because i did ok in school doesn't mean i was a good student, all right? during the last session, i was so tired that i whispered an inappropriate comment to one of my coworkers from denver about why sexually explicit films don't qualify for purposes of section 199 (i'm not going to repeat it here, you guys probably wouldn't get it anyways), which in turn made her laugh so loudly that she was asked by the instructor to explain what was so funny to the entire class. um, there are definitely better ways to make a name for yourself than by making semi-perverted comments in a room full of your fellow tax managers, most of which have a good five to eight years of additional experience on you. good thing everybody there had a decent sense of humor. i hope. so i cabbed it into downtown chicago tuesday night, despite several warnings from people who said the weather was too bad to venture out. please people, i'm from los angeles, i'm hard core. all right, not really. piled on fifty layers (a tank top, a thermal tee, a sherpa-lined hoodie from j crew, my wool coat, a pair of jeans, a pair of boots, a pair of gloves and a scarf) and i was STILL cold. but it was manageable, and i miraculously didn't freeze or fall flat on my face. the storefront decorations and christmas lights were all very pretty, but i was too busy inspecting my fingers for frostbite to do much besides window shop and eat pizza. the snow was really nice. i know, i know, it's not so nice when you're shoveleing it everyday, but it's still a novelty to me. FYI, just a small piece of advice to all the ladies out there: BCBG boots + wet snow = bad idea. i now know why some people wear their uggs out in public (aside from just having poor fashion sense in general). personally, i would still take the discomfort and increased risk of breaking my neck ANY DAY over wearing a pair of fuzzy flat boots. but that's just me. ok, hope you guys have a fabulous week. i still need to finish my x-mas shopping (ugh). what are you all getting me? better not be a pair of uggs, i'll throw them at your head and then sell them for a pair of real shoes. stay warm and caffeinated, kids. adios. p.s. is anybody as hopelessly addicted to a shot at love with tila teqila as i am?? it's a freaking trainwreck and i can't stop watching. gross, i am a disgrace to asian women everywhere. 10:38 PM 12/19/2007 it's six days before christmas, i still need to go x-mas shopping, work is killing me, and i think i have a head cold, which, according to my mother, is the result of me not wearing pantyhose to work yesterday when it was pouring rain. my mother has a ridiculous theory for practically everything. "don't go to bed with your head wet, otherwise you'll have headaches for the rest of your life." "stop wearing heels over 3 inches, you'll get osteoporosis when you're sixty." "your friend tamara got pregnant at 17 because she didn't pay enough attention in math class." "learn how to cook, nobody will marry you if you can't cook." i'm pretty sure that she makes up these wacky comments just to frustrate me on purpose. one day i'm just gonna nod my head enthusiastically and agree with whatever she says to see how she'll react. she'll probably come up with even crazier sayings - nobody ever calls my mom's bluff. she'll just go on and on until my head explodes from the sheer retardness of the logic. man, i can't wait to have a kid so i can do the same thing to him/her. anyways, i have a meeting at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow. i hope people sit close to me so i can infect them with my germs. best christmas present ever. hey, why am i updating this stupid webpage when i could be sleeping off this sickness? oh, does anybody want to see tristan und isolde with me? it's coming to the LA opera in a few months. it's wagner, it's in german, and you will either love it or hate it because it's like sitting through four hours of foreplay and 10 minutes of actual sex (that's the best analogy i can come up with, sorry, but i promise you that it's fairly accurate). personally i love it but then again i am apparently the only person in the world who lists cool runnings as one of her favorite movies of all time, so feel free to take my recommendations with a grain of salt. feel the rhythm! feel the rhyme! get on up! it's bobsled time! haha, just thinking about that line makes me laugh. don't lie, you think it's a hilarious (yet deeply touching and inspirational) movie too. one last thing: last week lynn handed me the new james patterson book, the quickie. despite the promising title, it sucked. i now want 1.5 hours of my life back, lynn. some men just don't know how to write from a female's point of view. not every thought in our minds ends with an exclamation point, james! even when we are in stressful situations and our husbands are trying to kill us! and when our husbands are trying to kill us, our first thought isn't "Oh dear, what are you doing?" it's more like, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE F*** IS GOING ON!???!?" lastly, when we want to look good, we don't put on a suit from armani exchange or open toed pumps from steve madden (come on, that's trashy, not classy!), so do some research before you name drop clothing brands, genius! james patterson, thumbs down! p.s. for those of you who don't believe the 4 hours of foreplay, 10 minutes of sex comment i made about tristan und isolde above, read a dumbed down description about wagner's use of harmonic suspension here. i'm not a pervert, i wrote a term paper on this sometime during my fourth year at ucla and i can dig it up if anybody is a masochist and wants to read it. don't ever say i didn't teach you anything! 11:13 AM 12/24/2007 t'was the day before christmas, and connie was flat broke, she spent all her money, and that was no joke. she shopped for her friends, her family and sister, but she wore dumb shoes and ended up with a blister. she stayed up past midnight, had a nice glass of wine, now she's at work and bored out of her mind. the sun is out, she should be enjoying her day, instead, she's stuck reading her client's 10-K. man, i should totally quit my job and become a full time poet. robert frost ain't got NOTHING on me - only a true literary genius could manage to rhyme the word "day" with an annual SEC filing. while i am on the subject of nerdy accountant humor, my coworker sent me this a while ago and it made me laugh.  ok, i gotta run. i hope you all have a great christmas. this is one of my favorite holidays of the year (minus the annual family drama that is now becoming tradition). i plan on eating an entire gingerbread house by myself over the next couple of days in order to send myself into a sugar coma as a means of avoiding my sister's stupid antics. i'm sure that'll make my trainer really happy. speaking of my trainer....the man is a full blown sadist. i told him i was sore for two days after last week's workout and he was practically giddy with happiness. yesterday he introduced me to this horrendous torture device i nicknamed The Evil Squats Machine From Hell (plus a few cuss words in between, but i won't repeat them here). he kept piling on the weights and asking, "hey, is this too heavy?" um, buddy, when it looks like i'm about two seconds away passing out, then yeah, it's too heavy. of course, since i would rather kill myself than admit weakness, i said, "no, it's fine," when inside i was secretly thinking, "oh man, i hope i have decent underwear on today, because when the EMTs come to resuscitate me they're gonna hafta cut my clothes off and then i'm either going to die of embarassment or cardiac arrest, whichever comes first." don't laugh. it could happen to you one day, and then we'll see if you're okay with strangers seeing you in your transformers boxers. all right i'm finally out. MERRY CHRISTMAS! and if i don't talk to you before the 1st, have a safe and happy new years. xoxo.  my cousin and his new wife! 8:27 PM 12/30/2007 ugh, tired. we went out for matt's early birthday celebration yesterday night and hit up koji all you can eat korean bbq for dinner. the guys ate 20 lbs of meat each. i was amazed until i remembered that these were the same guys who dragged me to mongels in college and taught me how to properly cram half a dead cow into one tiny bowl for $4.99. anyway, i got to grill matt about his gf, which provided lots of entertainment to all the loser boys who apparently didn't feel the need to obtain the lowdown from somebody they've been friends with SINCE THE FIRST GRADE. what is wrong with men? nevermind, don't answer that - we could be here forever. later on we met up with lynn and erin at starbucks, though hans eventually dragged us all to killians because of some odd desire to mingle with old people. we bought matt three long islands and he dutifully downed them like a champ. i stuck to my starbucks because i am old and boring (and obsessed with my 401k, according to a certain hater). we also tried to get some of the guys to dance but they refused. i'm suppose they weren't too impressed by the 40 year old mothers on the dance floor. personally, the ultimate highlight of my night was the reappearance of me, matt, and jeff's handwritten predictions on a piece of lined paper from our junior year in high school. for some bizarre reason, matt thought i'd be pregnant or have kids by the time our 10 year reunion came around. matt's catholic, but obviously somebody forgot to teach him about the birds and the bees since he is currently counting on the second immaculate conception in the history of mankind to get me knocked up. so anyhow, we bet on it, and yes, i KNOW it was a sucker bet, but matt could not be swayed. it's gonna be freaking AWESOME when i win in a year and a half. although i better have medical personnel on standby just in case something bad happens when it comes time for matt to pay up. haha. i can't believe it's the end of 2007 already. tonight my family and i went out to a chinese restaurant for dinner, and my first fortune cookie said, "Get back to work. Stop smelling the roses by the side of the street." i was totally outraged, so i picked a second one, which was blank on one side and had the chinese characters for "still single" on the other side. i am NOT kidding. the four characters literally translated into "still not married yet." i couldn't tell if it was mocking me or predicting the future. in any case, i am boycotting that stupid ghetto chinese restaurant with its stupid ghetto fortune cookies from now on. i thought fortune cookies were supposed to contain positive messages. once i got a fortune that read, "never trust a fortune cookie." i thought that was clever. what is clearly NOT clever is "still single." :( all right, well i gotta get back to work because my first fortune cookie told me to stop smelling roses by the side of the street. actually lynn is coming over to start some of the new year eve's party cooking and i am offering up my oven and somewhat mediocre skills in the kitchen to help her out. btw, i define "somewhat mediocre skills" as "any technique (or lack thereof) that does not result in burning down the house or giving people food poisoning." lynn probably thinks differently. i just hope the kitchen nazi doesn't yell at me and beat me over the head with an egg whisk again - a girl can only put up with so much abuse. have a fabulous new years, everybody, and be safe out there. also remember not to point your gun upwards in the air if you're gonna ring in 2008 by wasting a couple of rounds. point it at someone you don't like instead! duh. | |||||||
Copyright 2006 Connie Cheng
